Florida Fried Lawyer

“Mr O’Donovan can see you now.”

We could see him, too – hard to miss, with a white bouffant wig wafting around his skull as if he’d scalped a fashion-depleted snowman, violet-flecked red face like a pre-schooler’s Ritalin-fuelled mad monster painting. His handshake said sincerity and the sweep of his arm said yew’re welcome. Florida Fried Lawyer.

“Come on in, y’must be Stephen – welcome to the great state of Florida, sorry about the weather!”

“Oh, we get rain in Glasgow...although we’re short on hurricanes.”

“Ah, well, we might still be spared – Dixie’s movin’ slow and unpredictable, could be she just creeps up the coast, kicks them in the ass ‘bama way, serve ‘em right. We’ll see. Now, to business - I guess John has expressed to you his predicament?”

“Sure, a lot of predicament-expressing lately in our company.”

“All right. Now, the police wish him to go undercover on their behalf, at his own risk, which would expose him to significant jeopardy, you follow?”

“Uh-huh – no jeopardy worse than significant jeopardy. That’s pretty much the king of jeopardies, right there.”

“Most assuredly! So, my counsel thus far to John has been to face the unpalatable possibility of jail time. Incarceration’s not what anybody wants in their future but most likely he’ll spend a little time in one of our more white-collar corrections institutions – hey, he din’t rape a busload’a missionaries, did he? – and then prolly get kicked back home to bonnie Scot-land to finish his bit. Maybe even, God willin’, your legal people say ‘okay, time served, you can jest go’. And John’s a free man.”

“I hear a lot of what-ifs in there, Tiresias.”

“Oh, call me Ty! And yeah, the law is a capricious mistress. You can’t say for sure what hat she’s gonna wanna wear, any given day. But you...let me put it this way... you can try to determine what the weather’s gonna be like and you can select your own finery on the back of that. Dress the way you think she’ll like. Yeah?”

“I canny see the question for the metaphor, Ty, but here’s a straight one back – what advice are you givin’ to Brady Pike? What suit’s he gonny wear?”

“What what now? My dear friend Brady is lost to us. Such a tragedy. His family din’t even have the comfort of sayin’ goodbye to him. Lovin’ daddy, much missed by all.”

“Mm. I think that exact phrase was in the papers. Loving daddy, much missed. Must be true.”

“Undoubtedly. He made some, uh...some errors of judgment in some a’ his business dealin’s, just like your brother John, but he was a fine man. Not jest his family’ll miss him, the wider community has lost a real committed citizen. A good Christian. And, me personally, a friend.”

“I only wish I’d’a been able to meet him. He sounds like what we call a roaster in Glasgow. But what I asked – what advice are you givin’...did you give...to Brady Pike? Same as for Johnny – suck it up and do the time?”

“Wait along a minute, now. Do I hear somethin’ a little untoward in your tone? Whyncha come out and say it, you think there’s some malfeasance here?”

“How long did you know Brady Pike? Ten, twenty years? I don’t know that kind of detail, y’see.”

“Well, I’m sure I dunno where you’re goin’ with this, but yeah, musta known Brady a good while. His daddy was a friend a’ mine, so mosta his life, y’might say.”

“Whereas you met Johnny only...when?”

“Your brother could tell you that much, Mr McCabe, you ast him. When he and Brady set up their business together, that’s when. I did some a’ the paperwork on the legal side...and nothin’ financial, case you got a mind to spread some more’a that shit you got goin’ on there.”

“No need to be defensive, Ty. Think how this looks from my side – I’m jist a simple guy, but I see my brother here in trouble, his own fault, no doubt, but the only legal advice he’s gettin’ is ‘you’re beat, take the medicine’? Now, I could say that to him, but he’s not payin’ me to be his lawyer.”

“O-ho, he’s not payin’ me neither, how’d’ya like that? On account, he’s got no money! He’s livin’ in a north-east St Pete condo with a waitress and – whaddya know? – that’s not the lifestyle of the rich and famous in the Bay area. Where’s your theory now?”

“Actually, that’s very interestin’. Why are you doin’ charity work? Guy you hardly know, complete loser to hear you tell it, can’t pay you, and he’s got no case. So why are you takin’ out his garbage? It’s not as if you’re actually fighting it – you’re just makin’ sure his wee slot car never leaves that groove. That’s bland legal advice. You’d probably call it a-no-dyne.”

“Here, now...I’m gonna give you a little headroom, on ‘count you maybe don’t have the unnerstannin’ to grasp the idea of pro-bono, nor neither the manners to cover your lack...but I haveta say, your attitude here since you walked in my door kinda stinks. ‘fact, you strike me as a real classless motherfucker. And I’m thinkin’, why are you wastin’ your billable hours, Ty, on this hillbilly Loch Ness Monster bullshit? This one, he jest sits on his ass like some fuckin ba-boon, lets his big brother wipe his ass ‘cept there’s no cleanin’ gets done, cuz bro don’t know shit in this town. I reckon we’re done, wuntcha say?”

“You seem to have lost your dictionary, Ty. All those twenty-dollar words didn’t make it past the first question mark, huh? Anyhow, you can send your bill for no dollars at all to that condo you mentioned and we won’t trespass on your hospitality again.”

“Oh, you’re welcome. Hope you don’t spend too long in Raiford, regrettin’ this conversation, John McCabe. Y’all have a good one.”