“See…’member there was a time when me and Annie…”
“Eh? Do I ‘remember’? Fucksake, Paddy, I was worried about
havin’ to get a best man’s suit for a while.”
“Aye, very good. This isny about that…”
“I’d guess not – I heard you were back with your
wife-and-two.”
“Well, time being, aye. We’ll see. Naw, but…we used to go to
this restaurant, up Kirky way. Celeste, y’know it? Italian place. Naw? Anyhow,
that’s how I know it. Haveny been there in a good while. Then, out the blue, the owner Derek calls me up -”
“Derek? That’ll be one of the Sorrento Dereks, I take it?”
“-so he phones us up and says he needs a wee bit advice. I
dunno how he even knew I was a copper, never mind knew my number.”
“Aye ye do. This restaurant, you might’ve stopped goin’
there, but Annie won’t’ve. So, she’s in there the other night and…Derek…goes ‘I’ve got a wee problem’,
Annie goes ‘that’s a shame, so it is, why’n’t you phone up Paddy? ‘member him?
Aye, well, here’s his number…’ That’s how it went, Paddy, and if you doubt it, Annie’s new boyfriend’ll keep you straight, I bet ye. That'll be how it went - unless there's somethin' else you need to tell me?”
“Whatever. Anyway, this Derek goes, ‘sumdy’s been dippin’
the till’. ‘How’d’ye know?’, I says, ‘cuz my daughter clocked it a time or two.’
‘Aw right, if you want to report a theft, get a hold of the duty guy at Kirky
station…’ But he wisny for that.”
“Sure. I bet he goes ‘don’t want to get anybody involved
officially…jist wondered if you could have a word, bein’ a polis an’ all. I
mean, I’m no’ even sure if -”
“- if there’s even been a crime committed. Exactly. What’s
he think I’m gonny do?...excuse me, but I hear a tenner took a walk out yer
till and here’s me, a detective inspector come lookin’ for it wi’ a big fuckin’
magnifying glass. Aye, right.”
“Just so’s I’m straight on this…you reckon this is ‘not a
police matter’, and for sure nothin’ an inspector is gonny scratch his arse
for, but somehow I’ll be happy to
wear the cape? Is that what you reckon?”
“Look, Derek just wants a word, and aye, fuck Annie for not
doing it herself, but could you do it?”
“What? Is there a favour you did me and I missed it?”
“Get tae. It’s no’ even a favour to me, it’s a favour to
Derek.”
“That I’ve never met.
Is he payin’ me?”
“Negative, captain. Consider it community work.”
“Aye, for the community of Kirkintilloch, where I don’t live
– and nor do you, by the way - and I’ve
not been to for…I dunno, ten years?”
“Derek just wants to frighten sumdy, not charge or directly
accuse them, jist a bit of discipline, know?”
“What? My word is
worth less than a copper’s, how could -”
“Ah, but you could do an ‘informal investigation’, which the
polis do not do. Those words do not exist in our manual.”
“And if there’s any evidence of anybody gettin’ pure
skulduggerous, there’d be a criminal case, right?”
“Sure – Kirky station’d love that. A slam dunk for a case
that wisny even on their docket.”
“Dunno why I’m sayin’ this, Paddy, but aye, okay. Give me
the address and I’ll jump up there and see this ‘Derek’. Mibbe I’ll figure out what’s
really on Derek’s mind. And yours.”
“Cheers, bud – and the chicken cacciatore is good.”
*** *** ***
Detective Inspector Annie Simpson answered the phone after
one ring.
“Hey, officer, you must be expectin’ an important call to
pick up that quick.”
“Naw. I saw your name come up on the phone and I wondered
what that arsehole McCabe wants, this time o’ night. The quicker I pick up, the
quicker I get Philip Marlowe off my phone.”
“Fair dos, won’t detain you – give me a restaurant recommendation
in Kirkintilloch, that’s it.”
“You’re jestin’, right? What would I be doin’ up there, and
why the hell would you think I’d know? Unless, big Paddy…and he’s gettin’
bigger since he settled back down with his dearly-beloved, so I hear, she must
cook like fuck…told you somethin’ about a place he and I went once or twice.
That it?”
“Nothin’ like.”
“Aye, right. I’m strokin’ my chin here, by the way…”
“Nowhere you’d recommend, then?”
“I’d recommend you went out and bought a big sack of subtle,
McCabe. You usually walk softer than this.”
“Aye, but that’s when sumdy’s payin’ me for it.”
*** *** ***
Annie Simpson was as devious as she had to be, sometimes moreso, and the amount she felt she 'had' to be might dismay the merely-average liar...but I believed she knew nothing about the Celeste restaurant's till-weight.
Okay, then…where do you get the bus to Kirkintilloch from?
Once upon a time it would be Buchanan Street bus station, but now…
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